How to get through dinner with your Italian relatives

What do you bring and say when you arrive at an Italian relative's house?

Bring something. A tray of pastries from a pasticceria, a cake, or a bottle of wine is the normal choice. Whatever you bring, the host will say «ma non dovevi!», you shouldn't have, and the right answer is to wave it off: «figurati, è un pensiero».

Then you are told to sit, «accomodati», and the questions start before your coat is off. Keep your answers simple and warm. Nobody is testing your grammar yet. They are checking that you are happy to be there.

Do you use tu or Lei with Italian relatives?

Tu. The Accademia della Crusca puts the choice down to confidenza, closeness: with little of it you use Lei, with a lot of it tu is normal². Family is the clearest case of a lot. Cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents all get tu, and so does the friend's mother who invited you to Sunday lunch.

The one place to pause is a partner's parents you are meeting for the first time. Start with Lei and let them offer tu. The Crusca notes that the move from Lei to tu is proposed by the person considered senior, by age or position², and in a kitchen that is the parent, not you.

If an older relative says voi to you, singular, do not correct them and do not copy it. Voi as a polite form for one person survives mainly in the South and in familiar speech³. It is very likely what your grandparents used. Answer in standard Italian with tu.

What are the courses at an Italian family dinner?

More than you expect, in an order worth knowing so you can pace yourself. The antipasto is the set of small dishes served at the start of the meal⁵. The primo is the first course, generally pasta or a soup⁴. The secondo is meat or fish, and the contorno is the vegetables that come with it⁶. Then the dolce, then the coffee, and in many homes a small glass of something after.

The trap is the primo. It is the dish the family is proudest of, and it is offered twice. Eat as much pasta as you would at home and you will have nothing left for the arrosto, which is what the host got up early for. Take a modest first plate and say why: «voglio lasciare spazio per il secondo», I want to leave room for the main course. That is a compliment, not an excuse.

How do you politely refuse more food at an Italian dinner?

You don't, not outright. A flat «no, grazie» works at a restaurant and lands badly at a family table, especially in the South, where being fed is how welcome is expressed and refusing twice is heard as refusing the person, not the plate. In Puglia, Sicily and Calabria, hospitality is a point of honour and leaving hungry counts as the host's failure.

So accept in a small way. «Ancora un po', ma poco» gets you a smaller spoonful and a satisfied cook. «Sono pieno, ma assaggio» lets you take a taste of a dish you cannot face a plate of. Otherwise blame the next course: «lascio spazio per il dolce della nonna», I'm leaving room for grandma's dessert.

• Compliment the cook by name, not the food in general. «Zia, questo ragù è buonissimo» goes further than «tutto buono».
• Ask what is in a dish. «Come l'hai fatto?», how did you make it, is the question every cook wants.
• Do not leave before the coffee. The meal ends with caffè, and often a digestivo, and standing up before it reads as leaving early.

What do you do when your Italian relatives tease you?

Tease back, lightly. The Italian word for it is sfottò, which Treccani marks as informal and defines simply as a canzonatura, a ribbing⁷. At a family table it is affection. «Vediamo se resisti più di due settimane!», let's see if you last more than two weeks, is not a doubt about you. It is an invitation to play.

The mistake is to defend yourself seriously, with reasons and a plan. Volley it back instead: «vediamo se resisto!», then say something true and warm. If you are thinking of moving to Italy, say what draws you, without a speech: «mi piace l'idea di vivere la quotidianità, non solo di venire in vacanza». A cousin who was teasing you a moment ago will go quiet and nod. That is the conversation going well. In Tuscany and Rome the remark is drier, in Naples louder and with a hand on your shoulder. Everywhere, a sharp line is usually a sign you have been accepted.

Why don't you understand what your relatives say to each other?

Because they are not speaking Italian to each other, or not only. If your family emigrated to America, it was most likely during the great wave between 1880 and 1924, when more than four and a half million people left, mostly from the southern regions¹. Treccani's entry on Italian-American describes the older, less-schooled among them as dialect speakers¹. What your grandparents spoke at home was Neapolitan, Sicilian, Calabrian or Barese, worn by English into what the same entry calls a continuum between dialect and American English¹.

So the table in Italy sounds different from the one you grew up near. The relatives switch into dialect with each other and into Italian for you, and the Italian they use for you is the standard one, the same you learn. The dialect is yours to understand a little more each visit, not to perform. When you lose the thread, say so: «scusate, non ho capito, potete ripetere in italiano?». Nobody minds.

What does a Sunday lunch with Italian relatives sound like?

1. ZiaEccoti! Vieni, vieni, accomodati. Ma non dovevi portare niente!There you are! Come in, come in, sit down. You shouldn't have brought anything!
2. YouFigurati, è un pensiero. Grazie dell'invito, è un piacere.Don't mention it, it's just a small thing. Thanks for the invitation, it's a pleasure.
3. ZiaMangi tutto, vero? Ancora un po' di pasta?You eat everything, right? A little more pasta?
4. YouÈ buonissima. Ancora un po', ma poco, che voglio lasciare spazio per l'arrosto.It's delicious. A little more, but just a little, because I want to leave room for the roast.
5. CuginoAllora, è vero che vuoi venire a vivere qui? Vediamo se resisti più di due settimane!So, is it true you want to come and live here? Let's see if you last more than two weeks!
6. YouVediamo se resisto! Però mi piace l'idea di vivere la quotidianità, non solo di venire in vacanza.Let's see if I last! But I like the idea of living everyday life, not just coming on holiday.
7. ZiaE il dolce l'ha fatto la nonna. Poi il caffè.And grandma made the dessert. Then coffee.
8. YouAllora resto. Nonna, com'è che l'hai fatto?Then I'm staying. Grandma, how did you make it?